Have you heard your partner slamming the bathroom door to stifle their sobs? Or going to the garage to "fix their bike" after every argument? You're not alone.
In 2023, a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed a shocking fact: 68% of women admitted to crying alone to avoid causing conflict, while 73% of men said they prefer to remain silent to “not make things worse.”
But why has this dance of silence and tears become the norm? Psychologist John Gottman, who has studied divorce for 50 years, likens it to a time bomb:
"Every unspoken word is a grain of sand that will one day become a desert between you."
Lisa and David from Seattle have gone viral on TikTok. Lisa set up a camera in their bedroom to record them "chatting" after an argument. In the video, she sobs into her pillow while he sits on the edge of the bed, silently scrolling through his phone.
"It was like we were playing a silent play where we were both losing," she wrote. The video has garnered 5 million views and thousands of comments: "I recognized myself," "We were destroying our marriage for 10 years like this."
Neuroscientists from MIT explain: when stressed, the male brain activates areas responsible for problem solving, while the female brain activates areas responsible for emotions.
"He's not being silent out of indifference. He's looking for a way out, but she sees it as rejection," Dr. Laura Bender tells Psychology Today.
But how to escape this trap? Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests the “translation method.”
For example, when a woman says, “You’re not listening to me!” she might add, “I’m afraid we’re drifting apart.”
And instead of “I don’t know what to say,” a man should say: “I need time to understand your feelings.”
A Florida couple experimented by replacing accusations with "I-statements" for a week. "I used to yell, 'You're disappearing!' Now I say, 'I feel lonely when you don't talk.' He started responding," the wife told the Modern Love podcast.
The most unexpected breakthrough was made in Japan. There, couples began using… emoji to express emotions.
A study by Kyoto University found that 58% of men who sent their wives emoticons instead of saying “sorry” or “thank you” found common ground more quickly. “He sent me an emoticon after an argument — and for the first time I realized he was ashamed,” a user wrote on a social network.
Psychologist Sue Johnson explains in her book Hold Me Tight:
"Symbols bypass the brain's protective barriers. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable when it doesn't require words."
However, there is a flip side. Actor Chris Hemsworth admitted in an interview with GQ:
"I kept my fears quiet for years to avoid looking weak. It almost destroyed our marriage. Now Elsa and I yell at each other - and that's better than silence."
Dr. Gottman confirms: “Controlled conflict is 3 times more beneficial to a relationship than suppressing emotions.”
For example, a couple from Canada agreed to "fight on a schedule" — 15 minutes a day. "After a week, we started laughing at the absurdity of our claims," they wrote on The Couple Project blog.
But what if your partner refuses to talk? Marriage therapist Terry Real recommends the "writing method."
"Write him a letter and leave it on the table. No accusations, just facts: 'When you're silent, I feel...' The man's brain perceives text as less threatening than speech," he explains.
The story of Mike and Sarah from Chicago bears this out: After a year of silence, Sarah left her husband a comic book in which she depicted herself as a knight smashing into a stone wall. “He sent me a photo of a wall with a crack and wrote, ‘Let’s smash it together.’”
The culmination was an experiment by Cosmopolitan magazine: couples who had not spoken for a week were forced to communicate only through drawings.
The result? 89% of participants said, “We understood each other better than in years of words.”
As Nietzsche said: “Silence is the language of those who have forgotten how to lie.”
Author: Sergey Tumanov